This week is the anniversary of the man who raised me’s death. It’s been 5 years. It occurred to me yesterday I was definitely blue and it was impacting me at work. But as I sat with that realization it surprised me. It’s been 5 years and the loss still has this kind of impact on me.
I’ve had others pass in my life, more than I would like, and many in not so great ways. They have had a lot of sway on my life as well. I live in my grandparents house I bought when my Grandma had had a stroke and was close to dying, to keep it in the family. That was 18ish years ago (the anniversary is later this year). I was sick a lot as a kid, needing hospital stays, and friends at an early age didn’t always make it. I had a friend who died in high school from an eating disorder and to this day hearing people comment on others weight still makes my hair stand on end. I have lost family and friends to drugs, cancer, heart attacks, pneumonia and so many other things. And they hurt.
But the loss of my dad is different. With those other losses I still feel them years later, I still remember them, but the anniversary makes me almost nostalgic for them than necessarily pain. I remember them and the impact they had on my life but it’s doesn’t carry the same grief I felt when I lost them.
But my dad is different.
That pain is still there. It’s not as intense and certainly comes more in waves than consistent but it is still there. So instead of just pushing through I thought to examine it. Especially since I couldn’t quite understand why after 5 years it still felt the way it felt. Yes, of course, he was my dad. He is still my dad. But in a world that gives you 3 days to bury your dad, shouldn’t that have been based on something other than what’s best for the business? Shouldn’t I be more “at peace” with the loss?
So I let the pain sit for a while. I am not sure this has been fantastic for those I work with. There is a very good chance I have been more blunt and less upbeat than my normal self. But I had to let it sit there so I can see the why behind it. And I realized something. I used to be fearless and brave. Not always, but a…